Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
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yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
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I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
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