Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
