I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
