I can text with my tongue
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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