I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Randomize
