Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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