Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
