He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Randomize
