I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
