He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
