i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Randomize
