I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
