This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
