god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
