I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
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