I think my fart just growled at me.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize