What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
