i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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