My friends, they love my intelligence
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Randomize
