If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
