Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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