Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
Swine flu is the new snow day.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
