At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
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