proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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