I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
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