Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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