apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
