I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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