If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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