I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
