I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Pooping to opera.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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