it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
