never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
