nut hugger
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Randomize
