I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Church boner. Awkwardddd
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Randomize
