I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
