Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
