im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Randomize
