I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Randomize
