Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
