Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
