i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Randomize
