best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
