Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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