Umm I'm too high to move.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
