im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
