god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
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