It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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