tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
