it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
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