I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
