Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
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Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
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Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
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