She is in my trunk
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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