i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
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