Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
