Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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