I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
