I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I need to sanitize my soul.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
