The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
