capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
