I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Randomize
