I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
