They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
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