You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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