He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
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