woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
