I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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